So I've decided to open up the blog to the world 🌍
There will be, no doubt, a hefty old bag of bollocks on here from days long gone, snippets of ancient unfinished works, maybe even thoughts on becoming a father for the first time.
I may or may not add stuff to this regularly, but as I use this app all the time for writing (obviously leaving all the good stuff unpublished) I may update it more than I think.
Today I have been shopping amongst the citizens of this fair town, eaten my body weight in bakery produce and even written a scene for my FUR story.
I don't know what to make of FUR at the moment, my wonderful Editor likes it, says my writing has grown up a lot, (it hasn't, it's just not my usual bums and tits, dicks and clits malarkey- it isn't necessary for this particular story) I don't know whether this will be a novel, novella or used purely for toilet paper, the story has a lot to say and I am merely the catalyst to convert it to paper... Like always I'm just going to write what comes from my mind and see what unfolds.
Saturday, 27 February 2016
So I've decided to open up the blog to the world 🌍
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
The first blow caught Sonny Tumble in the centre of his forehead. He growled and spat another mouthful of Grandad's duffel coat out. It was enough of a distraction for Grandad to slip out of Sonny's grasp. Cowering behind his grandson he said, “go on the boy,hit him harder!"
Mr Tumble swung the conker round above his head like a slingshot,his tongue sticking oit the side of his mouth comically. “uh oh."
“what's wrong Mr Tumble?" Anna asked as Mr Tumble looked sad.
“ive lost the conker." he held the string up and pulled a sad face.
Grandad was already slowly running towards his garden shed on the spotty lawn. He moved surprisingly swiftly for a pensioner,leaping over a folded garden chair and shutting himself in the little wooden hut.
Mr Tumble screamed high pitched as Sonny snapped his teeth at him and ran to join his grandad in the shed.
The door wouldn't open,Grandad had locked it. Mr Tumble knocked repeatedly on the door crying loudly. “Grandad Grandad let me in!"
Sonny staggered across the lawn, fingers clawing at Mr Tumble prematurely as if he had no perception of distance.
;“ Mr Tumble Mr Tumble!" shouted Anna, “You have to do something."
Mr Tumble eyed the salivating hungry snapping teeth of Sonny Tumble and picked up the only thing to hand,the collapsible garden chair.
“Now's not the time for sitting down Mr Tumble!" Anna shrieked as Sonny got closer and closer.
Mr Tumble rolled his eyes and tutted. He shoved the folded chair's wooden stand towards Sonny's face and laughed as Sonny clamped his teeth down. For a few seconds Sonny seemed confused and then outraged when he realised he couldn't get his teeth out of the chair. He thrashed himself around furiously trying to pull the chair out of his mouth almost knocking Mr Tumble over in the process.
As Sonny stumbled past Mr Tumble he booted him in the backside and waved as Sonny wandered towards the edge of the garden. Beside the garden was a lake and as Sonny reached the bank he fell,dislodged the chair and went headfirst into the water.
Mr Tumble cheered, “woo hoo!"
“mr Tumble," Anna said as the sound of splashing ceased and growling commenced. “Sonny's back."
Soaked through,green with algae,missing his two front teeth,Sonny looked angrier than ever and started towards the meat he craved. Mr Tumble screamed and was about to bang on the shed door when from out of the shed came the sound of a motor starting up.
Mr Tumble frowned, “What's that noise?"
“its Grandad Tumble," said Anna gleefully, “he's got a chainsaw and his going to make Zombie Tumble dead."
“Stand back!" shouted a voice from the shed and Mr Tumble leapt out of the way as Grandad Tumble kicked the door open revving the motor of the thing in his hands. It wasn't a chainsaw,it was a leaf blower. He thrust the cylindrical blower forwards towards Sonny and shouted to his grandson “Get to the boat."
Mr Tumble sidestepped Sonny as Grandad shoved the blower into his face,and ran to the water's edge to the little row boat that floated there.
As the air rushed into Sonny's face his stomach began to balloon lie something out of a cartoon,the buttons on his shirt pinged off in every direction as his belly extended. Grandad pushed him towards the boat and called to his grandson. “Use the oars,the boy,the oars!"
Mr Tumble thrust the oars into the river and started to row frantically away.
“no,I meant to hit him with!" Grandad shouted as Sonny snatched the leaf blower off him and threw it away with inhuman strength. Grandad kicked Sonny's bloated belly and ignoring the massive fart that erupted out of him,ran towards the water. Luckily for Grandad Mr Tumble wasn't as mature,and upon hearing the fantastical flatulence was rolling on his back laughing. Grandad dived headfirst into the boat. By the time Mr Tumble had recovered from the fart noise Grandad was rowing as fast ss he could muttering something about rowing for Cambridge.
Sonny paid no attention to the water and just stepped into the water and vanished. A few bubbles popped up to the surface and then nothing. The two Tumbles in the boat hugged each other and cheered triumphantly.
“ well done Grandad Tumble and Mr Tumble." Anna said but not in a congratulatory manner.
“what's wrong?" asked Mr Tumble worriedly.
Anna was silent for a few moments. “Mr Tumble Sonny's in the water."
Mr Tumble laughed and made a pop pop goldfish face. “yes,I know."
“The water is a reservoir Mr Tumble." Anna said calmly.
Realisation dawned on Grandad's face but Mr Tumble just shrugged.
The reservoir provided drinking water for the whole of CBeebiesland!
Sunday, 26 August 2012
Sonny Tumble clutched his stomach and spat out his lollipop in Grandad Tumble's proffered hankie.
''This is how it begins!'' Anna warned.
Sonny was looking extremely peaky. Mr Tumble picked up the massive conker Sonny had dropped and started swinging it round by it's string,completely oblivious to Sonny.
Sonny didn't feel very well at all. ''i feel poorly'' he said pouting.
Grandad Tumble gently tugged at Mr Tumble's shirt sleeve and pulled him into the hallway. Together they watched as Sonny bent double and clutched his stomach.
''Come on The Boy,'' Grandad whispered to the conker-twirling Mr Tumble,''let's get out of here.''
''WAIT!'' Demanded Anna. ''you can't leave him,he may spread the infection!''
''urgh!'' said Mr Tumble pulling a disgusted face.''well what do we do?''
Sonny collapsed to the floor face down and started shaking violently before making a sickly choking noise and finally becoming still.
''You must either seperate his brain stem from his body or destroy his brain.'' Anna instructed.
Grandad gasped in horror.
Mr Tumble screwed his face up, ''destroy his brain?''
''Yes Mr Tumble,destroy his brain.'' Anna confirmed.
'Go on The Boy,break his head.'' Grandad patted Mr Tumble on the shoulder and gently shoved him towards the two corpses on the floor.
For a few moments Mr Tumble stood rooted to the spot unsure what to do,then Sonny slowly began to get up. Mr Tumble squealed and ran back to Grandad Tumble. They trembled with terror and hid their faces in their hands.
Sonny Tumble turned in jolts and starts like something from a video played on a slow computer. As he faced them they noticed a dramatic transformation had taken place. Sonny's eyes were totally red and he snapped his mouth open and growled like an angry dog.
Grandad screamed and ran as fast as his old legs could carry him,Mr Tumble follwed suit.
''Wait!'' Screamed Anna as the Tumbles bolted for the front door and were busy fighting to get out. Grandad pointed over Mr Tumble's shoulder, ''look,there's Cliff Tumble!''
Mr Tumble momentarily forgot the danger he was in and turned to look for his favourite singer with a beaming grin, ''Where?''
Taking this opportunity Grandad fumbled at the latch on the front door.
Sonny staggered up the hallway snarling and dribbling dark red blood from his mouth.
''Eyyy!'' Yelled Mr Tumble when he realised Grandad had duped him and yanked Grandad's flatcap down over his eyes and grabbed the waistband of Grandad's long-johns. Mr Tumble pulled upwards and gave Grandad a wedgie that almost drew blood.
Mr Tumble was out of the door before Grandad knew what had happened and raced down the path and into the garden.
Grandad screamed when he felt his duffel coat snagged in Sonny's fingers. ''Help me!''
Mr Tumble stopped running and turned back to Grandad.
Sonny was behind Grandad biting his shoulder. Sonny spat out a chunk of Grandad's coat and lunged for him again.
Mr Tumble had to do something.
''Do something Mr Tumble! You MUST help Grandad Tumble!'' Ordered Anna hysterically inside his head.
Mr Tumble thought about what Anna and Grandad had said, ''Destroy his brain. Break his head!''
Mr Tumble closed his eyes and imagined he was his favourite wrestler Rumble Tumble. He rolled his shirt sleeves up and noticed he still had Sonny's conker in his hand. It really was a big one.
''Ah ha!'' Said Mr Tumble and pointed a finger in the idea as the imaginary lightbulb of an idea flashed above his head. Swinging the conker on it's string like a slingshot he ran towards Grandad and Sonny shouting the war cry, ''Anyone for conkers?!''
Thursday, 23 August 2012
The Voice is acting strange,thought Mr Tumble as his scratched his head. Ever since he had found the poorly man in the 'other' kitchen the Voice,the child's voice that only he could hear,the Voice that gave him all instruction sounded ill. The Voice's name was Anna.
Mr Tumble looked worried and did not know what to do. ''Anna,what should I do?''
He heard someone enter the house and turned to see an elderly man who looked like an older version of Mr Tumble whistling his way up the hallway. He wore a flat cap and a brown duffel coat,it was Grandad Tumble.
Grandad Tumble's jaw fell open in shock and horror at the sight of the dead scientist. ''what have you done The Boy?!''
Mr Tumble started crying,big tears pouring out of his eyes, ''I've not done anything. I found this man and he looks very poorly. Should we call a doctor?''
Grandad looked at the man lying on the floor,an expression of sheer agony on his very dead face. The front of the man's top half was covered with lumpy blood vomit. ''I think it's a bit late for a doctor The Boy!''Grandad scratched his chin and thought long and hard. ''Have you asked Anna?''
''Anna?!''Mr Tumble exclaimed,''You can hear Anna too?!''
''Of course I can silly boy!'' Grandad scolded him before looking towards the ceiling towards an invisible entity. ''Anna?''
At first only silence came from the Voice called Anna but then a soft coughing came into their heads. ''Aaaaaahurgh!''
Mr and Grandad Tumble jumped with fear. ''what on earth's wrong?'' Grandad asked.
''Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiins!'' Screamed Anna in a surprisingly gutteral voice for a little girl.
''Brains?'' Asked Mr Tumble obviously perplexed by the voice in his,and Grandad Tumble's heads.
More coughing and spluttering from Anna.
Turning to Grandad Mr Tumble said, ''do you think Anna needs a doctor too?''
Grandad considered this for a few moments,a look of serious consideration upon his face. ''no,The Boy,we can't get a doctor for a disembodied voice that only a select few of us Tumbles can hear. People wouldn't believe that we weren't clinically insane. They wouldn't believe me when I said that Anna had been in our heads for generations of Tumbles and that without Her guidence and advice us Tumbles would stumble and fall into the depths of the Abyss of madness.''
Mr Tumble started giggling,then held his belly and guffawed loudly.
''What?! What's so funny?!'' Grandad asked with an air of annoyance.
''Tumbles stumble. Stumbles Tumbles. Stumbling Tumbles. That's funny. That made me laugh!'' Mr Tumble laughed some more.
Grandad Tumble was about to slap his grandson round the head when something stopped him mid-whack. Anna spoke again.
''Tumbles,your attention please!'' she sounded back to normal again.
Grandad and Mr Tumble stood bolt upright,Grandad saluted.
''What we have here is a situation. This man is dead!''
''DEAD!'' The Tumbles shouted in unison.
''Dead.'' Anna replied. ''but there is a big big problem.'' She paused. ''This man WAS very ill and he was and still is contagious!''
''Cunt ages?'' Mr Tumble asked frowning. Grandad slapped him round the head,'' contagious,means you could catch something off him!''
''urgh!'' Mr Tumble said taking a step back from the body.
''It's okay,'' Anna reassured them.''This man came from another dimension. In His dimension the infection that he contracted was airborne and contagious to everyone,but when he came here it mutated.''
Grandad looked concerned,Mr Tumble played with his bow tie.
Anna continued,''Now it will only affect children. I know this because I caught it.''
''You've caught it?! Oh no!'' Cried Grandad Tumble.
''Urgh!'' said Mr Tumble and ducked away for some reason.
''Yes Grandad Tumble. But don't worry. I am a disembodied voice in your heads,it didn't affect me tha same as it would a 'real' child. So we need to dispose of this body before any child comes into contact with it.''
Grandad breathed a sigh of relief. ''well that gives us plenty of time.''
Suddenly the doorbell rang and the front door opened.
Mr Tumble said, ''uh oh.''
Grandad looked at Mr Tumble. Mr Tumble looked at Grandad. Standing between them stood a smaller replica of the too of them,he wore the shorts and a tie shirt and blazer of a school uniform,had a lollipop in one hand and a conker on a piece of string in the other. A brightly coloured badge with '6 today' was fixed to his jacket. It was Sonny Tumble.
''Who the FUCK invited him?!'' screamed Anna.
Mr Tumble started crying.
The little boy Tumble dropped his lollipop on to the vomit on the dead body's chest,picked it up wiped it on his shirt and popped it back in his mouth.
Grandad gulped down some of his own bile that had risen in the back of his throat.
Little boy Tumble waggled his eyebrows at the older two,''Anyone for conkers?''
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Bob must have fallen or passed out or something as one minute he was standing face to face with an actual zombie, then he was face to face with his kitchen floor. Blood splattered on the white tiles before his eyes. Bob's lung's felt heavy and on fire. A nasty hacking cough shook his body and he knew that he had contracted whatever had infected the people where he just was. He pushed himself to his knees and stared at the Coolerwave as if it would solve his problems. Typical,he thought as he struggled to his feet,i create the most amazing thing ever to happen in science history and now i'm going to die.
His vison blurred as he staggered to the kitchen doorway. After taking just one step his legs gave way and he fell onto the threshold of his hallway. Breathing became difficult and his body started shaking. Before his vision went he could see someone looking down at him with messy blonde hair and really crap half arsed clown make-up on. Bob felt as though his insides had liquidized themselves and wanted to vacate his body. Just before Bob's eyes rolled back and burst in his head the clown man smiled a childishly innocent smile at him and raised his hand palm outward to him and to his surprise began to sing.
''Hello hello,how are you?, hello hello,it's good to see you......''
Bob slammed his front door and bolted all the bolts and locked all the locks. Within seconds there was the sound of fingernails scratching the wood. It sounded like the girl had brought some friends too.
Bob ran to the kitchen smacked the switch on the kettle and stood anxiously waiting for it to boil. He keyed in five seconds on the Coolerwave.
All Hell was breaking loose outside of his kitchen window. People were getting ill, collapsing and then attacking other people. He wasn't stupid,he knew perfectly well this was a zombie apocalypse dimension.
The kettle boiled,he poured the water into the microwavable dish,stuck it in the Coolerwave,shut the door and pressed 'ten seconds. Start.'
'What? Shit!' He cursed realising he had already pressed five previously.
The 'off' button still didn't work.
His front door smashed inwards and he could hear growling zombies coming towards the kitchen.
Fingers snatching at the kitchen door handle.
Bob held the door shut as best he could but it was too hard.
The door handle was ripped from his hands and he stood face to face with the girl zombie.
Bob was glad that everything seemed normal. Back to his own dimension. Except everyone seemed to be really ill with some kind of flu. As he walked down the street he noticed someone lying in the middle of the road. It looked like a little girl. Rushing to the girl's aid he saw her bucking and braying frothing at the mouth. Her eyes had rolled back into her head and she coughed and spluttered. Bob knelt down beside her and tried to steady her but as soon as he touched her a hot geyser of bloody vomit spewed forth from her mouth and into his face.
Trying his best not to be sick Bob wiped his face on his jacket sleeve and tried to help the girl.
It was too late. The girl lay still,the front of the pink tracksuit she wore red with the stuff she'd brought up.
Bob shouted for help as there were plenty of people about but to his disbelief almost everyone was either in the same predicament as he or the girl.
The girl was dead,he could feel no pulse.
Gasping a little Bob put his hand over his mouth,although he knew whatever this was it was probably too late for him to avoid it.
As he stood up and turned to walk back towards his home he heard the girl get up. Oh thank god,he thought,i was wrong.
Bob realised that he must have been in the wrong dimension still when he turned and saw the girl snarling her teeth at him. Her eyes were completely red with blood and she did not look alive.
Bob did not stop to ask her how she felt,he turned and ran as fast as he could towards his house.
He'd need to set the Coolerwave properly next time.